rowanberry | Recent Entries

Whoops, I didn't mean to abandon this journal for half a year! Let's see if I can keep it up a bit longer in 2020, shall we? For now, here's my 2019 survey... several of the answers remain the same as last time, but I suppose that's part of being older.

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"When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes - what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows - what new landscapes - what new beauties - what curves and hills and valleys further on."

I finished my re-read of Anne of Green Gables last weekend, and promptly found a set of the first four Anne books on ebay for £5 since my copy is battered and I only ever had the later ones from the library as a child. I'd forgotten this sage piece of advice for looking at unexpected changes in your life. I love the idea of a path that sometimes forks unexpectedly. I always remember loving the Around the Riverbend song from Pocahontas better than Colours of the Wind when it first came out (coincidentally, about the same time as I would have been first reading Anne - 1994/5 was a time, for sure!) and there's something of the same sentiment in that, I think. Whether encountering an unpredictable turn or choosing the road less travelled, looking for the bright spots and the "new landscapes - new beauties" is the best way.

Also, this quote is so accurate for me:

"she thought of her own white room at Green Gables, where should would have the pleasant consciousness of a great, green, still outdoors, of sweet peas growing in the garden, and moonlight falling on the orchard, of the brook below the slope and the spruce boughs tossing in the night wind beyond it, of a vast starry sky, and the light from Diana's window shining out through the gap in the trees. Here there was nothing of this; Anne knew that outside her window was a hard street, with a network of telephone wires shutting out the sky, the tramp of alien feet, and a thousand lights gleaming on stranger faces."

Being in towns and cities always feels a bit like being imprisoned - by man-made things, by concrete and steel and tarmac. Whenever I've lived in cities for spaces of time these are the things I've found hardest - not being able to step outdoors barefooted and feel the earth beneath my skin; having to look up to see the sky; the hard abrasiveness of every surface; the falsity of the green spaces, parks and commons all manufactured and manicured and sculpted. I read this last weekend and had that choke in my chest like wanting to cry for the comfort of seeing your own thoughts and feelings in someone else's words.

Anne Shirley was such a formative character for me when I first met her, age 10. Coming back to her now is fascinating, seeing so much of the child I was, the teenager she helped me grow into, and the grown up I am now, still there in her pages. The joy in and love for the natural world that surrounds her. The overzealous imagination. The love for the familiar in spite of the imagined excitement for the different. The intensity of friendship and the loyalty to her "bosom companion" Diana. The tempestuous rage that she grows out of. I'm so glad I decided to re-read and remember and re-discover her, and I'm thrilled already for those later books to arrive in the post. They had adorable cute cover illustrations, and I don't think I ever even read Windy Willows/Poplars and beyond, as I'm pretty sure our tiny library only ever had the first three. Hopefully I'll be able to track down the last two books to match this four-set at some point too.

"And I came to the conclusion, Marilla, that I wasn't born for city life and that I was glad of it. It's nice to be eating ice-cream and brilliant restaurants at eleven o'clock at night once in a while; but as a regular thing I'd rather be in the east gable at eleven, sound asleep, but kind of knowing even in my sleep that the stars were shining outside and that the wind was blowing in the firs across the brook."

Current Mood: tired

It's a new month, and a new moon, and Holly Season is meant to be bright and colourful. So that's my goal, too. Thank you to everyone who commented on my last - I was in a bit of a blue place, and it was really helpful to hear some soft DW support <3

Kickstarting with getting on the bandwagon (late) for the meme where people give you three random topics to chat about. If you'd like three random topics from me for the meme, comment below!

dauntless_heart gave me:
Age of Sail
Ballet
Celtic Myths

and

universalme gave me:
Amberlough Dossier
Knitting
Revolution

( So here goes with some rambling! )

Current Mood: okay

It's been a long and heavy week, this one. Apologies for not commenting much, especially after adding lots of lovely new people. I'll pick up again when my energy does!

It always feels wrong to describe a funeral as "good" but I think it was, a nice send off for someone much loved and respected. I still feel sore. The drives to and from were interminable in the weather - a journey that's usually three and a half hours was closer to five, both times. The rain didn't stop. Still hasn't stopped.

( Period/Endo Talk, probably TMI )

In better news, I won a free place on a willow weaving workshop next month! Very exciting! I'll get to make a basket and maybe a friend!

Current Mood: sore

I made a mobile for my new niece! (Click the images for full size)

Current Mood: okay

This time last week we had a beautiful warm day, just right for Strawberry Fair. Today? It's raining buckets, the wind is trying to blow my sweet pea canes over, and we had to have the heating on this morning. I slept with a hot water bottle last night. Mind you, we had a proper summer last year so it's perfectly reasonable to assume there won't be another one until 2025. I'm wearing the dress I bought at the fair (with tights and a jumper) anyway. Summer in my mind.

I found one of the antique shops in Ely yesterday selling off old brassware for very little in a basket outside the shop. Picked up a lidless tankard, a little bowl, and a small vase from among the collection for putting houseplants in. I think we might go out this afternoon so I can get a few more - the ones I brought when I moved in are all doing nicely, but I want a few of the air purifying sort to have in the bedroom, and also one or two favourite indoor plants just because. I'm tempted to try a maidenhair fern again and see if I have more luck this time at keeping it alive...

Current Mood: tired

Making a separate entry to welcome the new folks I've added! I just read through a couple of pages of my friends list and it felt so much more like good old times to have actual posts to read from a variety of people, just sharing stuff that matters to them. Thanks for joining me here, I'm really pleased to meet you all :)

Just the funeral to get through next week and then (hopefully), the big emotional rollercoaster of the last week will be behind me. I spent most of yesterday feeling... not subdued, exactly, but somehow low, like the weight of all those ups and downs of death, birth, and legal ordeals was sitting heavy and grey on my chest. Spent some time in the garden to ease it, cuddled Jasmine a lot, and made vegetarian schawarma for dinner to distract myself.

A belated New Moon Tarot reading (Motherpeace deck) laid out exactly what I would have known if I'd have time to listen to myself properly lately - the need for gathering myself and honouring emotions however deep, being caught currently in the process of relearning how to listen to/trust intuition above and before logic; the need for calming and repetitive work to prevent energy from turning into worry. We're in Oak Season now and I need to take the time to start focusing properly again.

Jasmine is so desperate to go outside in the sun and the wind, but she's not allowed for almost another week. Makes me feel so cruel, even though it's for her own safety.

Planting some bean seeds today since my runners aren't looking happy and I think they got too blasted by the winds too soon after coming out of the greenhouse. We tried the first of the radishes yesterday - always so much nicer when they're freshly picked than they are if they've languished in the shops for a time!

Today: cleaning, catching up on some journalling, gardening, making a tagine, and skyping my best friend tonight. Tomorrow: a trek to the job centre (they're being slow about moving me to one closer to my new address so I have to travel 2 hours in each direction for a weekly 10 minute appointment, sigh) and then some quality time with the family. The weekend is having a new fence built, working all Sunday, and then getting myself ready for Wales and the funeral at the start of next week. I'm looking forward to the next weekend already...

Current Mood: tired

Since my last entry I have turned a year older, visited Portsmouth for my birthday, continued trying to find a job and learn to drive, visited Rome for my best friend's birthday, and been moving house. Which simultaneously sounds like a lot of things and not as many things as I thought I had been doing. I've been a mix of good cheer and low-level anxiety for the past month or so, which I'm assuming is the combination of the moving process (cheer and anxiety), having to sign up for benefits (anxiety and frustration), and all the things I've been doing (mostly cheer).

Anyway, here are some updates on the things I care about most!

Jasmine is moving house with me next weekend! I'm very excited and really hope she settles into her new home quickly.

Books: Amnesty came out a couple of weeks ago, so of course I spent several days devouring that. It was excellent, everyone in it was absolutely hateful at least once, and I loved them all and was very happy with where the story finished and where all the characters ended up. A+++. Other things I've read lately are A Pocketful of Crows by Joanne M. Harris (which was beautiful and powerful and I really loved it), Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire (very atmospheric and quick to read), and Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi (took me a while to get into that one but I really liked the revolutionary fervour). I'm currently reading Madeline Miller's Circe which is nice but (as so often happens) I'm nowhere near as into it as I feel I should be after all the critical raving and recommendations. Pretty, though.

Plants: my tiny vegetable garden is sprouting! We bought a raised bed for the salad crops, and after only a week the radishes, beetroots, pak choi, spinach and salad lettuces are already poking their faces up (along with some companion marigolds in the corners to help keep slugs away). There is also a sweet pepper plant that seems very happy, and in separate pots I've got runner beans twining up their canes, two big courgette plants making small flowers already, some jolly tomatoes (and cherry tomatoes in a hanging basket), strawberries which look like they're going to thrive - one berry is already turning red - and fruit starting to come on a raspberry cane and a blackcurrant bush too. The only things which aren't doing so well are my cucumber plants (which I suspect are dead). The carrots haven't sprouted yet but I think they take a while longer to germinate. It's very exciting and I'm looking forward to jamming later this summer! The weather has been perfect for starting the garden off - some lovely hot days interspersed with cool nights and some rainy days. My herb garden is looking lush too, and I've spotted ant hills, lots of bees, and several butterflies in the wild garden!

Family are all well - my second niecephew is expected any day! (Officially expected on Thursday 23rd but.) Nephew #1 is hale and hearty and learning words (or at least sounds that translate as words) speedily. He's one of the quickest ways to brighten my day.

Health has been a bit up and down, which is the way of multiple chronic illnesses I suppose. I've got a referral to cardiology for the first of July, so fingers crossed they agree with me and my GP that it's worth investigating. I don't know whether they'll be able to do the testing here or if they'll need to refer me to the specialist in London, since it's not a commonly understood condition. In some ways I would prefer to be referred because a) specialist who researches the condition, and b) probably shorter waiting times than Cambridge! The attacks aren't entirely sticking to their pattern the last two months, which is annoying. Not that they are wildly off schedule, only slightly, but it's still irritating and makes life harder to navigate around them. Also, I don't know if my endometriosis is the cause of the cocktail of menstrual and related issues I've had the last two cycles, but I'm going to go ahead and blame it anyway. I need some use for the thing, right?

Writing: I've actually started writing something original! Which has got a plot and which I like! Don't hold your breath, I haven't had any spare time to work on it for weeks. But it's a thing which has started to exist and which I mean to continue helping to exist, and that's exciting. Learning to enjoy writing by and for myself again after a long stretch of co-writing and/or writing within a fandom of two people has been a long (and at times miserably draining and painful) process, but I'm pleased I stuck with it.

Theatre: we've got tickets to Rocky Horror in July and I'm planning costumes! Also to Hairspray in London next May, and I'm seeing the Les Mis concert performance in October too. Next desired tickets on my list are for the We Will Rock You tour later this year. I've been reigniting the old flame of my musical theatre obsession recently, and I'm not sorry.

That's quite enough from me. Maybe I'll remember to update again in the next month? I might even make a post about Portsmouth and Rome, but. No promises.

Current Mood: good

APPLYING FOR JOBS IS SO TEDIOUS

I'm always tempted to put a picture of my cat in the "why are you suitable for this job" section and just say underneath do you want her to STARVE?

Also, why am I suitable to work in a library or a theatre. Come on. Come on!!! I've got a PhD in English Literature, 18 years of customer service experience, and have been an extra-curricular stage queen in some area or another since I was 8 years old! How much more "evidence" and "specific examples" can you want?

In other news, Jasmine is asleep on my lap and I can't get up for tea. Also, hello DW friends. I've been failing to post again. Because nothing happens* because I haven't got a JOB.

* not strictly true, I'm just too out of practice, sorry

Current Mood: frustrated

February kind of got away from me... we're already almost at the end! The sun decided to come out a bit this week, it's been hinting at warmth outside which has been lovely - hanging washing on the line, walking home in with the sun on my face, opening all the windows. Yes please.

Last week was a week of trying things again. I had a driving lesson (nearly 5 years since the last one), went to meet a horse available for loan (3 years since I rode or did horsey stuff), and took a ballet class (10 years since I danced). The riding and the ballet came back to me without me even having to think about it - muscle memory I suppose - I was sore the next day but nothing that I wouldn't have expected. The driving... not so much. I don't think that will ever feel natural to me.

I've read more this month than I did in January. Pleased about that.

Current Mood: okay

WHO'S GOT A TICKET FOR THE LES MIS CONCERT PRODUCTION AT THE GIELGUD LATER THIS YEAR?!

THIS GAL

Current Mood: excited

The cold is making the bones of my wrists and arms ache. Not sure if this is a new variation of the old Raynaulds, or just a Being Older thing. Or - more likely - hormones. On Monday I had the the fun of Chronic Pain Roulette again with a stabbing game of "is it a UTI or am I ovulating?!" I should know by now - it's always ovulation. And yet... every time I catch myself out wondering whether I need a doctor's appointment or not.

Feeling bleak today. Ice everywhere and the afternoon dragged on, bland and empty, and everything I tried to do just left me frustrated.

Talked through some of my disconnect with my counsellor this morning. There's a lot of floating going on in my brain, and I hadn't realised how much of that disconnected feeling might be anger - at other people's expectations, at the sense of loss and betrayal, at the feeling of invisibility. It was interesting. More work to be done there.

Current Mood: blah

~ just bought tickets to see Coven in March with Len!
~ some good looking events on in town next month for LGBT+ history month
~ plotting out a Six of Crows fanfic I'm unlikely to write (but it's fun to think about)
~ it's snowing - I am not a fan of snow at all but it's pretty
~ supportive lovely people all around me
~ plotting (and actually writing??) something original for the first time in ages
~ (it involves lady pirates because of course it does)
~ books coming in the post (where is my King of Scars pre-order dammit)
~ it's Imbolc this weekend
~ my nephew is adorable when he sees a plate of food he likes
~ I only drove the car in circles round an empty car park last weekend but I did drive it
~ Berlin in March; Portsmouth in April; Rome in May
~ I've gone almost 35 years avoiding having to be a bridesmaid and my time it seems is up, but I don't mind the prospect as much as I always thought I would. Hard to say no when it's your dapper little brother getting wed
~ my cat ♥
~ I'm enjoying The Boneless Mercies by April Genevieve Tucholke a lot so far, lovely simple but evocative prose
~ jeans that fit me and AREN'T SKINNY FIT FUCKING FINALLY it's been eighty four years
~ making plans to be my own boss
~ feeling loved

Current Mood: okay

Doing that thing again where I feel sad and lonely about fandom and online communication. I miss feeling connected to people through fandom but I don't have any interest in any active fandoms... and the minute there's more than about 20 people being loud about something I get frightened back into a silent space anyway.

Friendship and connectivity is strange nowadays - I'm not sure exactly what I'm lonely for in that sense. It's not the soulstruck emptiness of feeling neglected or unwanted or ignored. I've got good friends, I've got my best friend, I've got my mum and I've got my partner. I don't feel like there's a hole to be filled any longer, but I do sense something lacking and I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, other than (probably) fandom space. This might be the longest I've been floating without at least one person to be actively involved in fannish creation with, whether the fandom in question was popular, current, or of our own invention. I miss collaborative writing. I miss the excitement of passing the story back and forth, or building worlds and whole people up from minor characters with three lines in canon - I miss the joy that comes with being in that bubble and how it spills over into everything and everything inspires it.

How do I get involved with something and talk to people about fandom when I don't feel inspired by fannish spaces of late and reaching out to anyone in a non face-to-face environment is so terrifying? I always see things about how communicating online is so much easier than in person and how the screen gives you the mask to get behind and feel safe in sharing, but that's the complete opposite of my vibe. Talking to someone where I can see their face and hear their voice is always more comfortable than sending a message into the ether not really knowing who the person is that reads it or how my tone will come across. Posting something on a platform with a large audience is completely nauseating, but I don't know of any other way to make those kinds of connections.

Maybe I don't even really want them. Maybe I'm fooling myself.

King of Scars is out tomorrow, anyway. Perhaps there will be some noise about that?

In other ways, I think I'm doing better. The light is growing, slowly. I haven't felt too superfluous or exhausted to get out of bed for a couple of weeks, so that's good. Winter without medication is harder than I had hoped but not so hard as I had feared. And January is almost over at least.

Current Mood: pensive

A lot of old grief got dredged up last weekend, and the shadows are still hanging around like ugly curtains. Not sure how to handle them yet, since I can't afford a therapist just now. I feel like it's too early to jump straight back to medication even though it's tempting - at least I know it works now and when I feel the way I have done lately anything that works looks like a golden egg. Looking at the trees instead and trying to remember there's life hiding there where I can't see it, and apply the same belief to myself. Hard, though. This is my first winter without medication in years. It's bleaker than I'd like.

Current Mood: pessimistic

Spent yesterday rambling in Elveden Forest and then warming up in a country pub. Planning things for this year - a trip to Scotland, a birthday visit to Portsmouth, archery for one of us and horses for the other. Feels cosy and exciting. A good start to the year.

Today - alternating babysitting and marking student essays from last semester. Marking is tedious, as always. Nephew is a force of nature, as usual.

Current Mood: content

Here's that old fashioned LJ end-of-year meme! I'd missed doing this every year. Some of the questions seem very outdated now, but then I first did this thing fifteen years ago, so I don't know what else I expected.

( Generic questions and answers this way! )

Current Mood: hopeful

Books Read in 2018

1. The Bear and the Nightingale - Katherine Arden ♥
2. The Language of Thorns - Leigh Bardugo ♥
3. Kissing the Witch - Emma Donoghue ♥
4. A Gathering of Shadows - V. E. Schwab (book 2 of the Shades of Magic trilogy) ♥
5. A Conjuring of Light - V. E. Schwab (book 3 of the Shades of Magic trilogy) ♥
6. Cinquefoil - Hannah Jones
7. In The Trail Of The Wind - (ed.) John Bierhorst ♥
8. Havemercy - Jaida Jones & Danielle Bennett (re-read) ♥
9. Rainbow Boys - Alex Sanchez
10. The Carhullan Army - Sarah Hall
11. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley (re-read)
12. Rubyfruit Jungle - Rita Mae Brown
13. Windborne - Gwen Frostie
14. An Accident of Stars - Foz Meadowes
15. Spellslinger - Sebastien De Castell
16. Amberlough - Lara Elena Donnelly (book 1 of The Amberlough Dossier) ♥
17. The Luminous Life of Lilly Aphrodite – Beatrice Colin (re-read; unfinished)
18. Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli
19. The Gentleman's Guide to Vice & Virtue - Mackenzi Lee
20. The History of Bees – Maja Lunde (unfinished)
21. Armistice - Lara Elena Donnelly (book 2 of The Amberlough Dossier) ♥
22. The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage - Sydney Padua ♥
23. Vicious - V. E. Schwab ♥
24. Lumberjanes Book 1 - Noelle Stevenson et. al.
25. The Hourglass Factory – Lucy Ribchester
26. Howl’s Moving Castle – Diana Wynne Jones
27. The Bedlam Stacks – Natasha Pulley ♥
28. The Color Purple – Alice Walker
29. Fly By Night – Frances Hardinge
30. The Girl in the Tower – Katherine Arden ♥
31. The Bi-ble - Various
32. Of Fire and Stars – Audrey Coulthurst
33. Spinning Silver – Naomi Novik ♥
34. Vengeful – V. E. Schwab
35. The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien (re-read; ongoing into 2019)

Books I am planning to re-read in 2019:

1. The Two Towers - J.R.R. Tolkien
2. The Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien (I'm having a revival moment here ok)
3. Six of Crows & Crooked Kingdom - Leigh Bardugo
4. Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
5. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
6. Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell - Susannah Clarke

Books still languishing in the TBR shelf that I want to get to in 2019:

1. The Watchmaker of Filigree Street - Natasha Pulley
2. A Place of Greater Safety - Hilary Mantel (started in 2017, oops)
3. The Golem and the Djinni - Helene Wecker
4. The Abyss Surrounds Us - Emily Skrutskie
5. Fool's Assassin - Robin Hobb
6. Quicksilver - Neal Stephenson

Books I am THRILLED and OVER EXCITED about getting hold of in 2019!:

1. Amnesty - Lara Elena Donnelly (brb screaming into the void)
2. The Steel Prince - V.E. Schwab
3. Circe - Madeleine Miller
4. King of Scars - Leigh Bardugo (more yelling)
5. The Winter of the Witch - Katherine Arden
6. The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy - Mackenzi Lee

I've added a few journals I've had bookmarked for a while, so if one of them is you and you're checking up on who I am - hello! My name is Janie, I've had various incarnations online over the years, most commonly as seagreenish or luvanderwon. Trying to move away slightly from those purely to create a new space, though my pillowfort and ao3 are still under those names respectively and I'm keeping those accounts.

At the moment, I'm floating about looking for a job, thinking a lot about sustainable living, trying to reconnect with fandoms somewhat, reading a lot, crafting, writing, doing tarot and loving my homeland of the fens. If you stick around you'll probably learn more than you need to about my cat and my attempts to get back to doing horsey related things.

There's always tea for guests.

Current Mood: okay

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Janie

January 2020

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Earth & Tea

musings from a bare-foot wonderer

Recent Entries

2019: a look back

Don't you just love poetry that gives you a crinkly feeling up and down your back?

Three Random Topics Meme (x2)

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For A.

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A Grand Welcome

Almost There...

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COME ON

learning and re-learning

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All Good

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Farewell to 2018

Book List 2018

Trying to get more active here

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January 2020

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