rowanberry | Recent Entries

I'm supposed to be in Germany. The combination of upset stomach and panic attack at the airport this morning means I'm not. I got all the way to the gate but couldn't get on the plane. I'm not sure if I regret it or not amongst the mingled sadness, guilt, and relief about not being sick in the sky.

Rewatched all the Lord of the Rings films last weekend, they still hold up. We both had a little cry at the end while Into The West was playing. Missed my brother. He texted me on Monday to tell me he and his fiancée were watching, guess what? Lord of the Rings. Part of me hopes he was missing me too - we always talked about Christmas marathons, even if we didn't do them. Now I'm looking up old pictures from the fandom glory days of 2003-2004 and feeling nostalgic, but the good kind. Turns out Billy Boyd's got a band and their album is on spotify, and I really like it.

Nostalgia is a weird thing. Pain and wistfulness tied up together. Feels like the knots in my stomach and hips from whatever this unfortunate bug is. It's not -producing- anything, just hurting hurting hurting and I can't quite ignore it no matter what else I focus on.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how withdrawal is ineffective as a means of challenging something you don't like. While it's not always a hard and fast truth, there is something in it. And it woke something dormant in me that has spent years disengaging, years isolating myself piece by technological piece as I shut down account after account in favour of a quiet, disconnected existence. I still prefer that for sure, but something is sparking again that makes me want to engage - just a bit - want to talk to people and communicate and share and receive. I never liked much social media but I did love livejournal back before it was shit, so here I am, trying afresh, with something livejournal-like only without the wankery. I want to re-engage, but I don't want to subscribe to big conglomerate companies with data drama or enormous userbases that feel too much like getting lost in a crowd. Dreamwidth feels a lot homier. More peaceful.